i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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