I accidentally had phone sex last night
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
