she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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