If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
