It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
