she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
