Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
