Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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