atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
