life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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