girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
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I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
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We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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