yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
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I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
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I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
MIDGETS
????
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
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