His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
