the new term for farting is butt boxing.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
