so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
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