I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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