I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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