My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
