Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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