That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
