I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
