my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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