Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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