is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
