Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
i believe in u and ur pee
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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