In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
