Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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