Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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