How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
