you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
She told me I should be a condom model.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.