his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
