Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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