What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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