I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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