Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
