Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
so let's talk penis.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
