If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
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