the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Randomize
