You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
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I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
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Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
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