4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
