chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
