That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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