This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
