And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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