So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Randomize
