its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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