There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
