Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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