Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
