It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
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