I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
