So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
