I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
