i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
