On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
