Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
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he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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