I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I enjoy the company of your penis
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
